Christmas 2011

Christmas this year was interesting, to say the least. Many blessings, for sure. Jack, Wayne, Sally and I went to 3:45 pm mass, then celebrated Christmas Eve at Jenny and Jay's.As always, Abbie and Nina brought much joy to the occasion. It was very strange not to have Marmar there. Jenny had a karaoke mic set up for the girls to play with, but the adults had just as much fun with it. I will try and post some short videos.

On Christmas morning, we did our usual breakfast at Bucky and Grandma's with Paul and Downtown Sue. We opened presents and talked about Mike and Marmar and worked on processing the losses. The menfolk did their traditional "Shortenin' Bread" song while cooking the sausages. After breakfast, we went back home to regroup and get the food ready for dinner and arrived back at Bucky and Grandma's at 5:30.  Sue, Lauren and Brendan had already arrived and it was great to be together. I often take family pictures in the living room after dinner, but we changed that up a bit. Too soon to have those yearly pictures without Mike in them.
Here is one of my favorite pictures from Christmas. It is Lauren and Brendan looking at the nativity set, part of which Mike made out of toothpicks when he was little.

 I will post more pictures from Christmas once we finish getting Marmar's memorial service planned.

Marmar was Home for Christmas

I still cannot believe it. Marmar died last Wednesday night, December 21st around 7:15 pm. Seriously. Cannot believe it.
Marmar had not been feeling well the few days before she died. One of her last voice messages to us was on Friday, December 16th, the evening of Mike's funeral. She was very disappointed to not be able to go to Mike's wake or funeral; Mom could very much identify with Marie and Bill (Jack's folks) and wanted to express that to them in person. I went out for my usual Sunday visit (December 18th) and Marmar was feeling blue. She was bumming over the fact that she had not yet done anything for Christmas. We made a list of things that she wanted to have done and I assured her that Jenny would come out on Thursday and help her knock some of those things off the list. On Monday and Tuesday, Marmar kept saying that she felt like she had the flu. Late Wednesday morning, while I was at work, Jenny and I both received texts from Sue (who was also at work) saying that Mom was dehydrated. Rose (Marmar's caregiver who was with her from 8-noon weekdays) was pushing  gatorade and water; if that didn't work, Sue said we would probably need to get Marmar to the hospital for IV fluids. Jenny and I both said we would come out that afternoon. I went out there straight from work, arriving around 4. Marmar was in bed, which was a red flag that something was wrong. The second red flag was that she did not want her daily 7 and 7. I said to her, "Ok, Mom, now you've got me worried!".:) She just wanted to sleep (who doesn't when you have the flu?). I muted the TV and turned out the lights and went downstairs. Jenny arrived a few minutes later. We went through the mail and pulled out the newly arrived Christmas cards. We headed upstairs to check on Marmar. She was awake, so happy to see Jenny and wanted to read the cards. We read them together, got her some ice chips and then helped her to the bathroom. It became clear that it was more than the flu. Sue came home from work in the middle of it all...thank God, because clearly, I am not a nurse (that became crystal clear). We got Mom back in bed and that's when things began to change. Marmar's breathing changed, her eyes looked different. I was laying on the bed next to her, Jenny was kneeling by the bed, we were both holding her hands. Mom looked past me at something. She let go of my hand and reached up as if she were going to go take someone else's hand. Jenny asked me to go get Sue, who was starting a load of laundry.  One look at Mom and Sue knew that Mom was dying. It was surreal. I was just there to help get her some fluids! What the heck? We prayed with her...the Lord's Prayer/Our Father, Hail Mary (that prayer has been working overtime lately). About ten minutes later, Mom came back! She wanted to know what time it was, she wanted us to go home so we wouldn't be driving in the dark, she worried that we were too tired (Mom was a certified worry expert). We asked her if she had seen  Pawp, Tom, Dane and Marcia and she said yes...who knows, we may have been putting words in her mouth. Marmar said she did NOT want to go to the hospital. She was uncomfortable, but not in great pain. She wanted an ice pack for her back and asked me to rub her back for her. Sue noticed that her feet were dirty and brought a towel and soap and water and very tenderly washed them. How biblical was that. Oh my gosh. Mom wanted to sleep some more. Jenny, Sue and I went down to the kitchen and made some plans. We put a call in to her doctor, who was not on call. The answering service said that the doctor on call would call us back. As we waited for the call (that never came btw), we discussed options. Sue's expert opinion was that we should ask for hospice services. We were avoiding the hospital, per Marmar's request. I went back upstairs to check on Marmar and she was awake. She said she wanted to go to the bathroom and I asked her to wait til I got Sue and Jenny to help, because she was so weak. Marmar said she was fine to walk on her own, but she waited for the three of us. As we were helping her, Sue, with her great sense of humor, was saying something about us being crazy girls. Mom looked at us and said "but very lovable". And those were her last words. As we helped her back into bed, she went limp and then a few moments later, took her last breath. WHAT????? I really could not believe it. I could not wrap my brain around the fact that this was really happening and also thatGod would be so good and loving and kind that He would allow all three of us to be there with Mom at her moment of death. It has not been often in the last several months that Sue, Jenny and I were all there at the same time (think tag team). How awesome is our God that He gave all of us that gift??? Sue, Jenny, me and most importantly, Marmar.
The last few days have been all about processing two deaths in the span of 9 days. And celebrating the birth of Jesus. God is good. And Marmar was home for Christmas, in the truest sense of the word.

Mike's Send Off

Friday, December 16th, was a beautiful day for Mike's send off. It was a sunny day with mild temperatures. The whole day ran smoothly.
We met at the funeral home for a short prayer service.We then loaded in the cars for the trip to the church, which was less than a mile down the road. The church was filled with folks waiting to celebrate Mike's life. The funeral was beautiful, spiritual and comforting. Loved the music (including some Christmas carols- Silent Night and Hark the Herald Angels Sing), loved the readings, loved the homily...I found comfort in every part of the mass. And I LOVED the priest, Father Gavin. He was outstanding. He met the spiritual needs of Mike and our family, from start to finish. In the process, he spread the Good News to so many other people by his welcoming and faith-filled presence. Brendan did a reading from Ecclesiastes and Lauren did a reading from a Carmelite priest and they both did amazing jobs. So proud of them. Jack did the eulogy, per Sue's request. I was so proud of my husband. He captured the essence of Mike in a very authentic way. I posted the eulogy in a link on the right side of the home page...just click on Mike's Eulogy if you want to read it.
We left the church and drove very scenic back roads to Holy Sepulchre Cemetery. There was a brief ceremony there and then we left for a luncheon at Ridge Country Club. There were many toasts to Mike and it was comforting to be there together. Seven of Mike's fraternity brothers came in town for the funeral and were there at the luncheon. It was fun to meet them, and attach names to faces...or should I say nicknames to faces. Here are grown men being introduced as Weed, the Professor, the Walrus, etc. Troll (Mike) would have loved it! Brendan's fraternity brothers were there as well. At one point I said to Sue, "This would be such a great photo opportunity. Too bad it's not appropriate." She replied, "Too bad you don't have your camera". Of course I had my point and shoot in the car, so I ran out to get it. Got some good shots of some of Mike's favorite people which I will post at some point. We invited ourselves back to Mike and Sue's house (for that is what I will continue to call it) and spent more time celebrating Mike. Again, there was great comfort in being around people who were also dealing with the loss of Mike.
It is still very surreal to think that Mike is gone from this earth. A week after his death, I think the reality is starting to set in.The loss of Mike leaves a big hole in so many people's lives. Gotta figure out how not to fall in it. We are praying hard not only for Sue, Lauren and Brendan, who lost a husband and father, but also Bucky and Grandma who lost a son. I can't imagine losing a child, no matter when.
God bless us, every one.

Mike

Mike died Monday night. On Monday morning, we woke up and Jack said to me, "Mike is going to die this week". I knew what he meant. Most people are just waking up on a Monday morning, making their mental lists of all of the things they need to do. How utterly unreal what Mike's agenda for the week was.Jack went over to Mike and Sue's in the afternoon and texted me around dinnertime that he was going to stay there for dinner. A few hours later,  I was writing a report on Easy IEP and I got a text that it was going to be soon. At 9:25, Jack called to say that Mike had just died. Sally and I threw on our coats and headed out. Our hearts broke for Sue, Lauren and Brendan. So much for them to go through. And Sally and I were also so sad for Jack. Over the past two weeks, it has been a privilege to witness Jack's love for his brother and it was especially poignant on Monday night. After we gathered around Mike and said our Hail Marys, Jack so tenderly pulled up Mike's blanket, tucked him in and patted his hand. I will never forget the way Jack looked at Mike and the way he took every opportunity he could to go back into the family room to sit by his brother. He just wanted to be with him. So beautiful. We had some awesome discussions on Monday night and again last night. Sue, Lauren and Brendan are so amazing. Lots of tears but just as many sweet laughs. Just what Mike would want.

Waiting

Here we are in the Advent season, a time of anticipation. We look forward to Christmas and celebrating the birth of Jesus. In our family, we have another sense of anticipation right now. We are anticipating the death of Jack's brother, Mike. Heavy and very deep. Mike was hospitalized the day after Thanksgiving and came home with hospice six days later. Things have changed quite a bit since a week ago tonight when Mike was sitting on the office chair in his family room and he was sharing stories about the old days at Rollins College (some which I had never heard before...really good ones!) As of tonight, Mike is in and out, but still Mike. I greeted him with our traditional "UNcle Mike!" (accent on the un) and he opened his eyes and said. "Aunt Patty!". It is not clear how soon it will be, but it is clear that Mike is....dying. I kept trying to think of another word to use, but that is what it is. Mike is dying. Why don't I want to use that word? That is what we are all born to do. It's his turn now, but we will each get our turn at some point. People HATE it when I say that, but it is true. And not a bad thing. Just gotta be ready for it. And I truly believe that Mike is. And as we wait for Mike to make that transition, I am reminded how similar it is to wait for a death as it is to wait for a birth. You never know when it will happen...you try to make plans and every day seems like a month and then the physical changes begin (e.g., the water breaks and labor begins/breathing becomes slower and more shallow) and it may take 48 hours or it may take 30 minutes and it is scary and it is momentous and it is full of unknowns, and then....it happens and nothing is ever the same but a new life begins. And it is beautiful.
God is good.

the quintessential Uncle Mike picture

Thanksgiving

As always, I had much to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. I was thankful that the weather was beautiful all week, so mild and not a complicating factor. I was thankful that the sewers did not back up three hours before everyone was scheduled to come (yes, that did happen in the last few years!) I was thankful for the opportunity to have our families here with us. We love our families and we don't take for granted that we were all able to gather together again this year. We had everyone on both sides represented here at our house at one point or another over the course of the day and that is truly a blessing. I really have been slipping with my picture taking and did not get good shots of everyone, but here are some pictures from the day.

Susie and the kids...Sally is almost in the picture

A kiss for Marmar

Brendan, Sue, Mike and Lauren

the six originals

one of our tables..didn't get a shot of the other one!

Downtown Sue, Marie and me

the entertainers, Abbie and Nina